If it seems like I’m only posting violin thoughts here lately, you’re probably right. Most everything else involves other people so I don’t feel comfortable discussing it.
My teacher has been more picky recently. The plan we’ve had in place for over a year and a half now has been to have me play with the local university orchestra. I’ve been panicking since December. I think he’s starting to panic now.
He came to watch a performance of the string ensemble I play with on Saturday, and unfortunately my performance was lackluster at best. Nearly the first words out of his mouth were “why doesn’t your bow move when you tremolo?”. Of course it was moving. We were playing ppp, but I suppose he didn’t like what he saw.
Today’s lesson was difficult. Nothing I practiced came out right. My posture was wrong. My bow hold tense and inflexible. I couldn’t play double stops to save my life. Everything was choppy, accented wrong, or played with the wrong dynamic. Of course the more he corrected me, the worse it got. I slumped out of there knowing I have so much to do to improve that it seems impossible. If my son hadn’t been with me, I probably would have cried in the car.
It’s days like this that make me question why I want to do this so badly. Honestly, I don’t have the answer to that. This is just something I have to do. There’s no rhyme or reason behind it. I only wish that I could apply all the great techniques my teacher is trying so hard to give me. He must feel like I”m not really trying, and that’s so incredibly frustrating because It seems like I’m killing myself over here. Nothing I do makes a lick of difference.