On a serious note – there has been a huge disturbance in the Force. So much pain and misery have been felt, that it has begun to seep into my bones. I want to make things better for people, but I don’t have the fortitude, or the capacity to help.
In the violin world, I am discovering that I have so much left to learn that it may not be possible to do it at all. The very concept of knowing there are so many things that I don’t know is crushing. There are six year olds who have forgotten more than I have ever learned on this instrument. Their execution is so effortless and free, while mine is stilted and mechanical. I fear that I will be unable to make music.
Where once I was excited at the journey, now I feel defeated. Possibilities have begun compressing themselves as my limitations become painfully apparent.
It’s not as if I can’t progress. I am progressing at a steady and measurable rate. But that rate slows perceptibly as time goes on and I can see that some of the goals I was hoping to achieve will be all but unattainable.
All the “if only” things come to mind. If only:
-I had more time to devote to this.
-there was a group I could join. Playing with better players ramps up your skills.
-other people took me seriously.
-there was a tangible goal. Kids get exams, workshops, and orchestral opportunities. Adults don’t.
-I wasn’t so hard on myself.
Yes, I know that I am in control of this. I’m not sure what I expected when I started. Maybe I thought I could create something. Now I don’t know. I can’t seem to let go of wanting technical perfection enough to actually make music. Clearly, I have some sort of flawed approach to this. I just don’t know how to fix it.